Maybe it is because I am of the male gender, but cards have always confused me. I’m not talking about trading cards, because those things I’ve always understood, but greeting cards, birthday cards, get well cards, Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever floats your boat around December cards. There are two types of cards that are given to me. Those who give me generic cards with their John Hancock at the bottom and those who care about me enough to give me a personalized message wishing me general wellness. (is wellness even a word? Oh my, look how these cards have gotten to me). Regardless of the message though, it is a friendly gesture given by those to care enough to go out to Hallmark or the Dollar Store to buy me a card, open it up, write my name spelt correctly, sign their own name, and slap it in an envelope to give to me. For this, I oughta be grateful. But what in the world am I supposed to do with it? I’ve seen many houses where they like to put cards all over their furniture, on the wall, on top of their tv, in their bedroom – heck my own family does that. However, I cannot make sense of the fact that I have Christmas cards chock full of dust (because we all know I haven’t read it since December 25th of the previous year) sitting on my counter in June. Who brags about the get well cards they got when they were bedridden for 3 months due to a spout of mono back in the summer of 2003? We don’t. I’ve never discussed this with anyone but there is an unsaid custom for us to throw away cards after a certain amount of time. Well, apparently nobody passed the memo to me because I still have a huge birthday card from my pre-hormone days that’s inhabited more than a few spiders sitting behind my closet. I cannot bear to throw cards away because they are what they are – a nice gesture. And what of those who nicely decorated my envelopes? The extra curvy S, the fancy colors and random pictures in orange, I mean the least I could do is keep them.
For all those who have been thinking in their heads what a self-centered prick I am, here’s where I try to win you back. I actually feel so bad that I refuse to throw away the cards I receive. Yes, I even keep the envelopes. So what do I do with them? I shove them in random places, such as books, shoe boxes, 3 pack dvds, sock drawers, etc. But the lack of space has added to poor ventilation in my room and will eventually lead to an unexplained death so I have decided on this outcome. I see there are many holidays coming up such as Thanksgiving, Halloween, my Birthday, and Christmas (yes in that order). Instead of giving me a card, I resolve that we try and solve global warming a little instead by planting a tree in my backyard each time you feel impelled either by my friendship or rugged good looks. If I ever become so popular that I run out of room(I’m not holding my breath), I’ll go and ask the kind sir next door if I can use his backyard; I don’t think he minds. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, because I definitely do, it’s because I still have your card from 2 years ago and am still appreciating that.
on a side note, my girlfriend doesn’t find cards a dilemma at all and absolutely adores them actually, so please don’t mistake my confusion with hers and continue to send her cards a plenty.